Spicy Déjà Vu ...Reframing your PTSD

Whilst on my late night zombie scroll on Instagram I came across a meme which stopped me in my tracks. I can't remember the exact wording however it was describing someone who had renamed their PTSD as Spicy Déjà Vu.

I don't take PTSD lightly but it was a nice moment to have a giggle about something which affected me after having a premie baby. I don't feel like the moments of PTSD affected me straight away, it was more when we left the hospital and went home, back to 'normal' life and out of the safety bumpers of the NICU. 

I have not been officially diagnosed with PTSD but like others who have gone through a traumatic experience, I educated myself on the consequences of those experiences. Comments, smells, sounds and familiar moments would bring me straight back to the moments of our NICU experience. 

One time in particular, a few years after my son left the NICU. I was driving on a highway to get to a destination (city bound somewhere). I can't remember where I was going or why, only how I felt on the way there. This was because I was driving on the same highways I usually would when going to the NICU. 

For my son's first three months of life, he was in a NICU located 2 hours from home (depending on traffic I may get there sooner or later). 

Whilst driving down those familiar roads, I just suddenly burst into tears. Uncontrollably crying with memories so strong it felt like I was on my way to see my son to care for him for the day. The same thoughts flashed through my head:

'I hope he didn't stop breathing because of feeding'

'I hope he didn't have an apnea through the night'

'I hope my phone was in reception through the night incase the nurses tried to call me'

'What if for some reason my phone wasn't working properly and they couldn't get in contact with me' 

The anxiety spiral would continue until I parked my car, rushed into the hospital and put eyes on him. A momentary sigh of relief. 

Moments of reliving our NICU experience would happen quite often but would lessen over the years. My son will be six this year and I still feel them but to be able to look back and correct any anxious thoughts a little quicker and have a laugh at a meme quote is progress to me.

Like our little warriors, we too are strong.